Claim Your Throne

Why I’m Finally Sharing This

You know how people say, “This is what I was born to do.”? Well, that’s exactly how I feel about this. 

I’ve been serving the vulnerable for the past five years in my career as a mentor – mainly teaching refugees English and employability skills. I’ve given safe spaces for hundreds of people that have experienced trauma in unimaginable ways and have poured my soul into ensuring they could flourish in the very short time they had with me.

I wanted them to feel that they were welcomed, they were loved and blessed, and that somebody really gives a colossal fuck about them.

I’ve been called for the longest time to share my life story and experiences with people after a very long time of hiding my true self. I don’t mean this in any kind of messianic or egotistical way. 

I mean it in a way that I have a really, really, really strong pull to write about how I survived my traumatic childhood, and the consequences of it in adulthood, with the bedroom children who had to comfort and entertain themselves whilst wishing for the love they needed from a family they didn’t have; the children who felt so broken, useless, and like they had to earn love; and the children who just wanted to be told they were special and loved.

This is also for the immigrant children out in the diaspora who felt like they had to perform in both cultures of where they’re from and where they’ve moved to; had to mature way faster than the rest of their school mates; felt the pressure of heavy expectations on their shoulders. I really see you and I know exactly how hard it’s been for you.

I know for many of us, these children are in all of us. 

Our pain is so multi-layered and complex, and I see why healing can seem so impossible for us. But I’m here to tell you that’s not true.

It’s time that we acknowledge the pain and the past that made us and shaped us, and to look it in the face and say, “Ha! Fuck you but thank you, thank you, thank you.” I’m not going to give you the bullshit ‘If it wasn’t for the past then I wouldn’t be so strong’ – to some extent it’s right, to another it was traumatising and at times, I fucking resent it. It was lonely and felt like so much to bear for such a tiny human.

However, I’m thankful for how my story begins. I am going to be healing for the rest of my life but I’m resilient and forever learning and changing to be the best version of me. 

I can survive things most couldn’t, I can thrive in the dark where most would wilt and wither, and I can alchemise my pain into purpose. I really, really get those superheroes in the action films and animes with the tragic pasts and the indomitable will to survive – man, I get it. 

If you get it too, then you’re right where you’re supposed to be. In this moment, you’ve found somebody who sees you, the real you, and urges you so lovingly to bring that person forward. 

That child in you who needs love is waiting for you to give them everything you’ve both ever dreamed of. 

My inner child is ready to be seen and heard for the first time. She has a lot of stories to tell and I’m more than ready to oblige and do that for the both of us, as well as all of the other children out there whose voices were silenced.

My first draft of this post, I ended up writing the beginnings of my story and it turned into an odyssey and made me cry (haha wimp), so I’m dialing it back a little to share some of my past – for now, there will be many posts where I deep dive into my own life that I look forward to sharing soon – why I’m blogging, and what my goals are for this blog and basically my life.

So, let’s begin at the start of my life and how my experiences began to shape a little girl who didn’t feel like she had any safety around her and no one to turn to while she survived abuse on her own.

Where my story begins

I was born into a family in Baguio City, the Philippines that survived martial law and extreme poverty. My mother and father had been in a secret relationship because my father already had a wife and children. My mum hadn’t long graduated university and her pregnancy was out of wedlock, so she was kicked out of the family home. My father had given her an abortion pill but it didn’t work (obviously).

Before I was born, life was already hard, which seems like a rather dark foreshadow of what was to come. (Cue the villain arc music! Iykyk, some anime villain arcs are… TT_TT)

I didn’t have the typical bonding time with my mother during the critical period of childhood. She worked away in Taiwan and I was raised by my grandparents, aunties, and uncles. She was away so much that I didn’t really know who she was when she’d visit. 

When she moved us to Germany to marry her then-husband, my life changed forever. Taken away from my family by a woman, that I eventually came to my own conclusion, who must have adopted me because she seemed like she hated me so much. 

I couldn’t just be a child around her, I had to be perfect. She’d lose her shit if I wrecked my toys, bit my nails, didn’t say the alphabet correctly, didn’t brush my teeth right, just about anything. There was always some kind of criticism ready to axe away at your self-esteem.

That’s on top of the lack of affection, praise, or closeness. She didn’t know how to get to know me, so as I got older, she’d read my diaries behind my back and invade my privacy instead of learning to get to know me. 

On her worst days, I was the punching bag. Literally.

Then, we come to the man she married that none of us would have ever thought would turn out to be such a monstrous stain to my life, my family’s lives, and society itself.

The man who would eventually become my stepfather and would sexually and emotionally abuse me as a young child until I was eleven. He manipulated me, groomed me, blackmailed me, and humiliated me. 

He presented himself as a cool, fun, but scary dad. Though he’d lurk by doors to signal to me to follow him, he would watch me like a hawk on beach days, and he’d keep me up for hours at night when my mum would work nights at the local supermarket.

I can still remember the stench of beer on his breath when he’d come back from darts night at the pub.

All of this was happening while we played happy families and were devout Jehovah Witnesses, going to the Kingdom Hall on Thursdays and Sundays, bible study meetings on Tuesdays, and private bible study for me with a family friend because my mum likely had the fucking cheek to think I was troubled and needed more guidance from somebody else.

Nothing screams ‘existential crisis’ like being taught that Jesus is going to come down from heaven with his army of angels and slaughter all the non-believers and sinners so we can live in paradise on earth. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen to my friends, but they just told me to look at the nice picture book, “See how you can be friends with tigers and have so many fruit trees!” (Yes, but what about the pile of bodies Jesus left over there?!)

Oh it’s not over yet, friends. I was also one of the only Filipino girls in my very Welsh and very white primary school (until Year 6 when another came along). The racist shit was far and few between thankfully, most children were alright and I held my own when mean little girls decided to be exactly what they are. 

Shout out to the dinner ladies on lunchtime watch in the school playground, who I had to stand next to because I’d, once again, gotten into a fight. 

Secondary school was a little harder to navigate, there certainly was more racism but I never let it get to me because there’d always be a swift backhand comment to snipe out of my mouth. (I refuse to be downtrodden by inbreds!) I also had a really great group of friends that helped make things easier to deal with.

For most of my life, I was aware I was different and as I grew into adulthood, it was abundantly clear that I was.

What I didn’t understand at the time

I knew I was living a lie, I knew that we were living in hypocrisy – God-loving parents committing constant ‘sin’ behind closed doors? Parents who lied every day but ensured you would never lie to them? Parents who were supposed to care, love, and nurture you are instead committing every violation against a child?

This was an unbearable burden to face in my young adulthood – feeling like I was despised, unwanted, and like I was only loved and useful when I was people pleasing. Never being able to fight back against those who hurt me made me feel weak and helpless as a child and as an adult. 

My belief was that there was something wrong with me. No one wanted me – my parents tried to abort me, mum was kicked out of the home, and my father went on with his other family. Yes, it turned out better than expected but that would only last so long before I would be swept away to a nightmare overseas.

I believed all the terrible things that had happened to me was because I was never meant to be alive, therefore I should die. There were so many reasons to. I felt like I couldn’t handle the weight of the past. The anxiety from carrying this belief buried itself so deep in my skin that every time I thought about it, I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe.

My childhood had taught me that I wasn’t safe, that my body wasn’t safe. Even now, after therapy, my body still automatically clamps up (body armouring) and I have to consciously tell my body to relax. I don’t even notice it happening until my shoulders are nearly up to my ears and I’m wondering why they’re so painful.

Children who survive trauma often blame themselves as a coping mechanism so that they can feel in control of their circumstances. But now we know this, it’s time to break the cycle and to tell ourselves that the adults responsible for all this are the ones responsible for all this. Say it twice cus it feels so nice! 

Nothing that ever happened to you, sweet child, was your fault. You were never meant to carry that burden of thinking you were at fault. You are perfect as you are, and certainly perfect in the eyes of the Universe! 

But now comes the tough big sister advice that we don’t always want to hear but you know you need to. Really, I want to save you the heartache and time so you can flourish way sooner than I ever did – my own younger sister is doing it now, and she should be incredibly proud of what she’s doing at such a young age.

Should you wish to do the same, then read this closely… closer… CLOSER:

No one is coming to save you because it’s YOUR choice to be better and do better.

Yup, it’s a big heap of shit pie but it’s true. No matter how much my heart ached or how many tears I shed, nobody was going to come along and scoop up the agony, rage, and despair heavy on my chest and replace it with happiness (and delusion by the sounds of it). 

The truth is you’re walking down the path that’s least walked. To free yourself and become the greatest you that’s ever existed means to separate yourself from the crowd and the noise. 

You’ve been built to be a warrior and, goddamn, I know you’re tired – but I promise you, it’s absolutely, positively, supercalifragilisticexpialidociously worth it! (Because you’re worth it ;-) /endl’orealadvert).

It’s important, if and where you can, to do or have the following things if you’re serious about stepping into your power:

• Seek therapy – you can’t unravel the complex knots of your past without professional help, there are things you absolutely will need support for and it’s important to find the right one for you.

• If you can’t at this moment in time, here are some useful bits of advice and links to support you in the meantime: 

  • Side by Side online peer support community with Mind.org.uk

  • Speak to your GP

  • Find local charities and community centres that offer counselling

  • Find support groups in your local area

• Build a strong, positive, and loving support network (see above link to Side by Side)

• Happy habit building – do what your inner child loves, mine was video gaming and reading! Now, I’m doing tai chi because little Shari (my inner child’s name – it’s nice to name them because they really are a part of you) loved martial arts films and wants me to learn in the future 🙂

• Releasing negative habits and ye olde coping mechanisations.

• Face the truth about your actions that led you here: you were in survival mode. Forgive yourself.

• NO MORE VICTIM MENTALITY – NO GODDAMN ‘WOE IS ME’, BITCH. No time for it, no room for it. Step into the present and wave the past goodbye – you can’t change it. But you can learn from it and let it fuel you to live the life you deserve.

You must acknowledge the power that you really have in being here in this moment, just as you are – curious and wanting more from life despite the hardship you’ve faced. 

Even after all of that, you want to spread love and joy through any way your heart desires.

Even after all of that, you want to share the freedom and fortune you receive through any way your heart desires. 

And you keep wondering how?

First, acknowledge that you deserve the best in this life – you’re blessed for just wanting to turn your pain into power and purpose. 

That’s why you’re here and that’s why you found me.