Key Steps to the Beginning of Your Journey

I wanted to expand further on the steps to take to begin your healing journey I mentioned in my first blog post. This absolutely warranted a whole post on its own because there’s a lot to talk about when you start this journey towards deeper healing.

It is going to be uncomfortable but you need to accept that as part of the journey, because without discomfort, you will not grow. Look at the idiot aliens in the Matrix – they thought that giving humans everything they wanted in the simulation would make them happy but it actually messed them up. 

They realised humans needed challenges to be better people and to have genuine contentment. 

Yes, this is a fictional example but life imitates art. If you want a real-life example, just look at the spoiled, rich kids – some of them end up just as messed up as a working class kids despite having everything they could ever want, and it’s all because mummy and daddy chose to ignore them and used money to raise them (y’know, nannies and boarding school).

So, let’s get straight into it because we have a lot to cover!

Enough with the Victim Mentality

Quit it – stop telling yourself that you’re a victim in the story of your life. You’re the victor. You’re a survivor. 

Own your past and step the fuck forward into the present where you have the power to be a new you at any moment.

The things that happened to you matter but it’s up to you how much power you give them over you. You are a fucking powerhouse who deserves to have this old, dead weight off your shoulders. 

Of course, it’s important to be gentle and loving to yourself as you face this challenge. But you’ve also got to remember that you empower yourself by doing so.

Do not allow the temptation of playing the victim to overcome you. 

You are better than that and you and I both know it. Don’t let yourself down.

Own your story.

Seeking Professional Help

Remember that your feelings are yours to deal with and nobody else’s, but that doesn’t mean you can’t seek professional help. 

There are many therapists out there that can help and can work to your budget so long as you speak up and are honest. If they’re understanding, then you’ll be able to find a way to work with them. <3

It’s important that you take them up on their free consultations where possible so that you can get to know each other briefly – I did this and it was really helpful. 

Thankfully, the first therapist I called was the one. I kinda knew from the start but I went ahead with the other consultations ‘just in case’ – this is a really big lesson on learning to trust your intuition! 

I could have just trusted myself more then I would have started sooner but oh well, divine timing and all that!

If you’re not yet able to seek therapy, here are some useful bits of advice and links to support you in the meantime: 

• Side by Side online peer support community with Mind.org.uk

• Speak to your GP or local doctor

• Find local charities and community centres that offer counselling

• Find support groups in your local area

For anyone who’s a person of colour, I recommend that you consider having a therapist of similar ethnicity or cultural background. 

Ensure they’re able to understand the complex family structures of Asian, African, Arab, and Latin backgrounds (and many others, of course, just naming ones that I relate to most before you have a whinge), as well as the racial aspects of living in majority white communities.

Your experiences are really different. Even more so if you’re a woman of colour. You have no idea how much people fetishize us and look at us in a certain way, even when we’re young. It’s pretty disgusting and I’ve had inappropriate comments nearly my whole life.

Religion is also a huge factor in these particular households which is why trauma can be multi-layered for people of colour. 

It’s a pretty serious factor you have to consider in your healing journey because it’s likely that you’ll have subconscious beliefs that may still control the way you perceive things. 

Mine was being constantly watched and judged by God. 

I resented it because how dare they allow those horrors to happen to me but have the gall to judge me. It also made me feel like I never had any privacy and like I always had something to be guilty about.

So, again, it’s vital that you pick the right therapist for you because the issues can be complex and you need someone who can help you unravel that.

Release Habits That No Longer Serve You

Especially ye olde coping mechanisations. You likely already know which ones are hindering you and you’ve probably tried a good couple of times – and that’s okay. Keep trying, keep getting up, keep on keeping on.

Go to bed early. Stop eating junk food to deal with your feelings. Limit your scrolling time. Quit the p*rn usage. Listen to happier music. Express yourself through art, music, or writing/journalling.

Move in the way your body calls you to – whether that’s going to the gym, yoga, skateboarding, home exercises, tai chi, running, dancing, parkour etc. 

Stop hanging out with people who drain you or only want something from you, or only contact you out of convenience to them. These people are not part of your tribe.

Stop people pleasing and being a yes man at work and in your personal life. You’re telling yourself that your life is for others when it damn well isn’t. You know it too.

Stop allowing toxic family members to trample all over you when you know damn well you could stand on their necks with the level of shit they’ve piled up in their lives. (Oooh this is another one I can’t wait to get into – cutting off asshole family members and telling them like it is! Kapow, bitch!) 

Start putting up boundaries to protect your energy from getting depleted by people who ultimately do not fucking matter. Put them up because you deserve to have peace and to give your love, time, and effort to people who actually deserve it.

Most of these coping mechanisms and negative habits formed whilst you were in survival mode, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Shit happens, but at least you have many new days ahead of you to start afresh.

If drugs and/or alcohol are an issue, I understand. There is help for you but you have to wholeheartedly put your all into it. You haven’t got the time to go round and round in your life, especially if you want to live peacefully and happily for as long as possible. Your body can’t keep going through it and I’m sure your soul is crying out at you to love yourself more than you ever have before.

• Get help for drug addiction

• Get help for alcohol addiction

• Understanding alcohol dependency

• Understanding addiction

• Screaming On the Inside – podcast run by UKAT (UK Addiction Treatment Centres)

I, by no means, am suggesting that these are habits that you can just ‘release’ like a fart in the wind. I understand that addiction is a disease itself and often goes hand-in-hand with surviving childhood trauma and/or having C-PTSD.

But we must recognise it as something (a coping mechanism for many, I imagine) that is certainly not serving you, if that is something that you are experiencing.

The real things in life require work. 

The most important things in life require work. 

The things that are completely worth it require work.

And I don’t mean the physical aspects of it either. It takes deep inner work to even understand what the real, most important, and worth it things are for you. 

I thought I knew what I wanted until I realised there’s another way to live.

You can’t really know what you want until you know who you are, and until you believe that anything is possible.

Do Things That Make You Happy

Happy habit building is important for your sanity as you delve deeper into your healing journey – do what your inner child loves, mine was video gaming and reading. I absolutely love cosy farming games like Coral Island and Spirit Farer, and other games like Sims 4, Oblivion (remastered, of course), Cyberpunk 2077, and as of right now, Metal Gear Solid: Phantom Pain.

Now I'm doing ten-minute tai chi sessions in the mornings because little Shari (my inner child’s name – it’s nice to name them because they really are a part of you) loved martial arts films back in the day and wants me to learn in the future! ‘Cause she wants to be a ninja!

Remember what the child in you used to love doing and bring it to the present. Maybe it was painting, walking in the woods, ice skating, playing tennis or football, dancing, collecting toys, cards, or coins, or just simply reading books.

Maybe you want to try new things like cooking or baking, pottery, woodwork, singing, or learning how to drive. There’s honestly so many budget-friendly or free things you can do. There are community centres out there in need of people to fill their free programmes. 

Just do something to make that child in you happy.

Building a Strong Support Network

I say ‘build’ because it’s not just going to fall into your lap. 

Even as a child, I gravitated to the strange girls in school. One of my childhood best friends I met during a lunch break, where I watched her eat cucumbers and gravy with disgust and fascination.

The other I met when she first came to our school from the south of England, and I couldn’t help but be in utter hysterics when I saw that she wore sandals that looked exactly like what your grandma would wear on a nice summer’s day where she wanted to show off her metallic pedicure. Rubbery and an offensive 1-2 inch wedge.

Now as an adult, it’s totally different making friends. You can’t just laugh at people for their odd eating habits and shoe choices without offending people most days. But I suppose that filters out a lot of people pretty easily because there’s far more offensive things in the world… y’know, like child abuse.

 It's possible because it happened for me. I met my best friend in Manchester at a business cult (whew, can’t wait to get into that one in the future) and got out of it too lol, and my fiancé is from the land of Tinder. 

I also met one of my closest friends on Bumble. She’s great and we’ve had many margarita-fuelled nights that I can barely remember. We’ve also been antiquing (when we were meant to be hiking…) which, my lord, is a flippin’ delight. 

If there’s a random antiques market sign on the road directing you where to go – do it. Follow it and find some beautiful, fun, and magical things. I found a gorgeous hand mirror that the owner kindly knocked down to £20.

Life is fucking weird, so get with it, get to know yourself, and the ones for you find you in the weirdest ways. ♥️ 

If you have siblings, start building bonds with them (again, where possible) because they’re going to be your greatest allies and some of your deepest familial bonds. I wouldn’t be doing this without my sister, and consequently, her partner, so it’s important to build on what you have – if you have it and it’s safe for you to.

Don’t Forget to Remember…

You’re starting something special here and you’re going to make it out alive.

Every difficult moment and every gruelling challenge that you overcome is a testament to your grit and your will – not just to survive – but to live.

You’re the person that people are going to look up to one day because you’ll also have your story to share. 

So, put a smile on that face, have faith in your abilities, and believe in yourself. 

Feel the fear but do whatever you gotta do anyway. For that is the only time that you can be courageous.

The world and the other children out there are waiting for you.

You’ve got this, kiddo. ✨